Original and best

Oh lord. I've now seen the actual 2012 festive missive from Dad's cousins. As well as exciting news of a self-catering holiday in Peebles, it contained the following gem:

Enid has had an encouraging year with the card-making group (complete with photo of a crappy homemade letter rack.)

December

In December Simon finally removed a watermark from Suzy's car seat that looked very much as if she had suffered stress incontinence going over a cattle grid. It was in fact Sprite.



DISCLAIMER: The author and her husband would like to make it clear that while a handful of these entries are based on truth, the one about Simon's skid marks is pure fabrication.

November

In November life in the Southwold household became dominated by one word: MUD. A combination of heavy rainfall and clay soils means that there is now literally nowhere to walk the dog that she won’t come back looking, but alas not smelling, choc-dipped. A waterproof doggy trouser suit had been suggested by a well-meaning acquaintance, but when showed to Molly her response was profane in the extreme, including the phrase “I wouldn't wear f***ing tartan if you paid me in sardines, Mother”. Work on a disposable, cling film-type alternative was halted when Molly began to lose consciousness, although Simon maintains that she was just holding her breath to scare us.

October

In October Suzy's sister continued the family gene pool by squeezing a new person through her cervix. Obviously we can already discern signs of extreme intelligence, even genius, in her weeny bundle of joy.

September

Towards the end of September Suzy was eagerly anticipating a very important event, probably the most significant since her wedding. After 9 months of watching everything expand, a date of 27th September was bandied about. Nerves and anticipation led up to the big day - could it really be as good as people said it would be?

YES!!! The new Waitrose in Market Harborough opened on schedule.

August

In August we hoped to enjoy the English summer, but it rained on both days.

July

In July three became four when Molly joined our little family. If you have not yet had the pleasure of meeting Molly, imagine a black feather boa with five sets of teeth and a bad attitude. Simon came home from work that day with a squeaky toy cow, which was at the time bigger than the dog. After five months of vigorous play, Cow is now missing two feet, one ear and part of her udder, but has gained an astronomical bacteria count.

June

In June, Suzy was pleased to find Sellotape satin-finish Gift Wrap tape on 3 for 2 at Rymans. We also visited Barcelona. Barcelona is a city in Spain.

May

In May, Simon was delighted when he found a solution to his dry itchy skin condition.

April

In April we took to experimenting with different positions in the bedroom. It was an exhausting couple of weeks and Simon pulled a muscle twice. Sometimes Suzy took the lead and other times Simon made suggestions (with his artistic background, tending to prefer more unusual combinations). Lighting was a problem and sometimes a torch had to be used, and on one occasion we even had to get our next door neighbour round to help with all the humping, but eventually we decided to put all the bedroom furniture back where it had been in the first place.

March

In March Suzy was forced to replace her wiper blades, having tried and failed to alleviate the noise with white vinegar and kitchen roll. So unfortunately at a mere 3 years 5 months old, this set didn't beat the “raining” (Ha! Get it?) champion's record of 4 years and 1 month. (Trico brand, a freebie when she worked at their Abergavenny factory one glorious summer.)

February

February was the month in which an anaesthetised Timmy-cat was separated from his testicles. Unlike Harvey before him, this was performed by a qualified veterinarian and not an ill-judged leap over a rusty barbed-wire fence. To everyone’s relief Timmy didn't show the area undue attention and thus avoided the ignominy of a Buster collar.