Why can't people just say what they mean?

Over the last few years I have become a great fan of honesty. I’m not advocating tactlessness, and certainly not the “I speak as I find” attitude stereotypical of middle-aged Yorkshiremen, who having made their pronouncement then go on to be as disagreeable as possible.

I know many people who would rather set fire to their eyebrows than tell you what they actually want, and it drives me mad. Even when a simple question such as “Where do you want to walk?” requires me to decode the given response to try to work out what they’re really angling for. It would save an awful lot of time and energy if they just gave me the information I had asked for. Because that's all it is: an exchange of information. I am not going to feel personally rejected if I say “Do you fancy pizza tonight?” and get the response “Not really.”

Discussing this with a similarly direct friend last week, we both find ourselves accused of being “selfish” or “difficult” because we actually say what we want. I would argue that we’re actually being considerably less selfish than the mealy-mouthed sorts. Someone asks us a question; we respond honestly; everyone knows where they stand. The only reason to skirt the truth is because you don’t want to risk someone disliking your answer. Ergo, you expect us all to spend hours second-guessing you, trying to work out what would really make you happy. That sounds quite “difficult” to me - and not a little manipulative.

Of course I don't always want to give a truthful answer, but it is invariably better to gird your loins and say it than spend ages hunting round for an excuse. A year ago someone wanted me to apply for a different job. I knew I didn't want it straight away, because it was a lot more work for only a little more money. Instead I fretted for three weeks then made this pathetic flurry of excuses citing “commitment to my current project” and other flimsy stuff. Looking back, why didn’t I just say “You’re not paying enough”? It would have saved the employer a lot of time, and possibly helped them to understand why they were struggling to recruit.

We are raised not to disappoint people, and I would tentatively postulate girls even more so, but come on... Try a bit of honesty with your coffee. You might find it quite liberating.

Anyone for a bizarre non-sequitur? Anyone?

How to drive home from York (estimated journey time - 2hrs 30)

2.15: Leave hotel car park expecting to get home in time for Come Dine With Me.

2.15 and 30 seconds: Notice terrible judder. Flat tyre? Surely not, they're only a month old. Pull over. Flat tyre. Car has no form of spare wheel, merely an out-of-date tyre inflation kit.

2.16: Ring recovery service. We are told a low loader will be summoned to recover the car, and they’ll either send a taxi or a hire car for us to get home.

2.45: Receive cryptic phone call from "Mandy" advising that our motorcycle will be picked up and taken to Harrogate shortly. Appraise "Mandy" of actual situation.

2.45 - 4.15: Wait in car with increasing boredom and frustration. Receive various calls from "Mandy" checking such things as which pubs we are near, exact postcode of location, Grandfather's middle name etc.

4.15: Tow truck arrives. Ring "Mandy" to check when hire car might arrive. “Mandy” has gone off shift and her replacement knows nothing about it. Explain story for twelfth time. Retire to coffee shop. Check train times on mobile just in case.

5.30: With blessed relief drive away in hire car; perfect timing to enjoy all the traffic jams that rush-hour York has to offer.

8.15: House hoves into view. Jovially say to husband "I hope you've got the keys!" Observe him blanch and swear loudly as he remembers they are still in the glovebox.

8.20: Confirm that which you already knew, i.e. that the only neighbour with a spare door key is out for the evening. Beat head against nearest wall. Scribble her a note, in eyeliner, on back of a tourist map of York.

8:40: Retire in some despair to pub, which is thank God still serving food, and drink heavily while engaging neighbours in conversation.

10.15: Key-owning neighbour rings mobile. Meet on road, swap house keys. Greet overjoyed dog. Vow never to leave house again.