You will need:
* Unshakeable self-belief. In your head, you ARE Beyoncé.
* A memorable voice. (Note: “memorable”, not necessarily “good”. If your singing sounds like spanners going round in a washing machine, or an angry cat trapped in an airing cupboard, all the better.)
* An outlandish hairdo, possibly involving several colours that hair doesn't normally come in
* A tragic back-story.
* The ability to cry on cue.
* A panel of judges and an audience.
Instructions:
1. Strut onstage (try not to trip) and introduce yourself to the judges.
2. When they ask you why you’ve come on X-Factor, make sure you use every cliché in the book about how this has been your dream since you were 7 and saw Bros perform on TOTP.
3. If the judges look unconvinced, deploy your Tragic Back Story. If you haven't currently got a terminally-ill relative, make something up. There is always one tearful female judge who will give you sympathy points if you talk about how devastated you were when your budgie flew away last summer. Try to cry a bit, then say something like “Bluey, this one's for you, because I'll always love you and you were the best budgie ever.”
4. Next, sing your chosen song as loudly as you can. Don't worry if you’re not in tune; most X-factor contestants aren’t. Hopefully the judges will be too busy admiring your Great Hair to notice.
5. Don't be put off when the nasty judge presses the X halfway through - he is probably just jealous of your Great Hair.
6. When the judges are giving their feedback, don't forget to argue with anyone who criticises you. Famous people love being told they know nothing about the music business. If the worst comes to the worst, cry a bit more, then storm offstage in a huff.
7. Finally, if it really has gone pear-shaped, don’t worry. There’s always The Voice.
