Aries ♈️ The headstrong sign of the Zodiac, this summer you’ll be tempted to argue with Customs officials who challenge you over liquids in your hand luggage. For heaven's sake, don't.
Taurus ♉️ In April, Venus entering Sagittarius suggests you will form an attachment to an amiable bullock or other large domesticated animal. Treat him kindly.
Gemini ♊️ Mars trines Jupiter this September, triggering a glut of autumn fruit. Make sure you have sufficient freezer space and bags ready or it’ll all go to waste.
Cancer ♋️ You are in for a rubbish Valentine’s if Saturn’s opposition to Uranus is anything to go by. Cancel the restaurant now and prepare to spend the evening weeping on the sofa in stained pyjamas, mainlining Galaxy chocolate.
Leo ♌️ You're the Zodiac’s natural show-off, but Mercury urges caution when selecting karaoke tracks on holiday this summer. Nobody wants to see a drunken 57 year old office supplies salesman performing “Like a Virgin”.
Virgo ♍️ Jupiter enters Leo in early spring. For fastidious Virgoans, it'll be time to clear out that untidy paperclip dispenser that's been bothering you for months!
Libra ♎️ A difficult square between Mars and Pluto points to boundary disputes between you and a neighbour. It may be easier to clip the leylandii now rather than wait for the injunction.
Scorpio ♏️ Your reputation as the dangerous sign of the zodiac will be borne out in August when you form a motorcycle gang (60cc and under). Speeds in excess of 36mph will be attained as you and your mate Ken whiz round the Langtons with a devil-may-care attitude. Watch out for the filth!
Sagittarius ♐️ Neptune conjuncts Mercury in November, meaning there is a very real danger you could accidentally expose yourself to the binmen. Tie your robe tightly.
Capricorn ♑️ Absolutely nothing of interest will happen to you in 2015.
Aquarius ♒️ Fittingly for the “water-bearer” of the Zodiac, plumbing problems triggered by Saturn's opposition to Mars suggest you will spend most of May hauling buckets of water into your house from a standpipe.
Pisces ♓️ In September you will be upset to be mistaken for Ken Dodd. Be gracious and give them an autograph anyway.
