IKEA is a rite of passage. You know you are a proper grown-up when your idea of “Saturday shopping” ceases to mean trying on forty pairs of high heels with your best mate and starts to mean purchasing industrial quantities of paper napkins in a giant blue and yellow aircraft hangar while your significant other trails forlornly behind you.
There are a number of Universal Truths about IKEA.
1) Nobody has ever left without buying a 100-pack of tea lights (females) or a pack of 10 AA batteries (males).
2) The lunacy of some prices means that otherwise unappealing purchases become absolute “can’t miss” items. The pets eat from horrible little beige bowls I wouldn't have chosen in a million years, but they were 39p each. 39p! Other cheapo items you may suddenly decide you can't live without include scissors, wine glasses, washing-up brushes and ersatz Tupperware containers.
3) If aliens landed and wished to study our species, they could do worse than IKEA cafes. All human life is there: all ages and classes seem content to mingle in a vaguely depressing school-canteen-like affair to get their fix of well-priced meatballs and Daim cake. I myself am a big fan of IKEA chips, but portion sizes are heartbreakingly variable. I suspect staff are trained to dish them out according to the customer’s size. This would explain why my chip allocation is barely into double figures, while Captain Lardy’s on the next table are falling off his plate. I sound bitter and indeed I am. Next time I will wear two jumpers.
4) No matter how many blue bags you have bought in the past you will never remember to take one with you, meaning you either fork out another 75p or play a fun but perilous game we have christened “IKEA Buckaroo”.
5) Men really, really hate going to IKEA. If you listen carefully you can hear their doleful murmurs of “More chuffing pillows” or “How long does it take to choose a bleddy bath mat, the footie's on soon.” Only take your husband to IKEA if you are very secure in your marriage, or he has done something he needs to make up to you.
NB There was a hilarious but very sweary IKEA map doing the rounds last month - click at your own risk!
There are a number of Universal Truths about IKEA.
1) Nobody has ever left without buying a 100-pack of tea lights (females) or a pack of 10 AA batteries (males).
2) The lunacy of some prices means that otherwise unappealing purchases become absolute “can’t miss” items. The pets eat from horrible little beige bowls I wouldn't have chosen in a million years, but they were 39p each. 39p! Other cheapo items you may suddenly decide you can't live without include scissors, wine glasses, washing-up brushes and ersatz Tupperware containers.
3) If aliens landed and wished to study our species, they could do worse than IKEA cafes. All human life is there: all ages and classes seem content to mingle in a vaguely depressing school-canteen-like affair to get their fix of well-priced meatballs and Daim cake. I myself am a big fan of IKEA chips, but portion sizes are heartbreakingly variable. I suspect staff are trained to dish them out according to the customer’s size. This would explain why my chip allocation is barely into double figures, while Captain Lardy’s on the next table are falling off his plate. I sound bitter and indeed I am. Next time I will wear two jumpers.
4) No matter how many blue bags you have bought in the past you will never remember to take one with you, meaning you either fork out another 75p or play a fun but perilous game we have christened “IKEA Buckaroo”.
5) Men really, really hate going to IKEA. If you listen carefully you can hear their doleful murmurs of “More chuffing pillows” or “How long does it take to choose a bleddy bath mat, the footie's on soon.” Only take your husband to IKEA if you are very secure in your marriage, or he has done something he needs to make up to you.
NB There was a hilarious but very sweary IKEA map doing the rounds last month - click at your own risk!
