1) The “Boy Look”. A phenomenon described by both my sister and myself, the Boy Look is when a man opens a fridge, cupboard or wardrobe door, looks for approximately 0.5 seconds then shouts “I can’t find the...!”. The woman, arriving huffing from the other room, will locate said item almost immediately. This also applies to finding apps on smartphones, pets who are imminently due at the vet, and remote controls.
2) Bedtime. Men clean their teeth and jump between the sheets. Women feel obliged to perform arcane and lengthy skincare rituals involving between 4 and 10 unguents, finally arriving in bed 15 minutes later as slippery as a baby seal. Warning, ladies: Vaseline’d feet and tiled floors do not mix. Plan ahead.
3) Division of labour. In six years of living here, I have never seen inside the loft. See also: lawn-mowing, the location and removal of mice, giving tablets to cats and collecting takeaways. For his part, my husband could be forgiven for thinking we have a self-cleaning woodburner, a self-replenishing wine rack and a Magical Laundry Fairy.
4) Films. Men watch fight scenes or big explosions with intense concentration and slightly lolling mouths, then try to initiate conversation during the tender romantic exchanges. Women the exact opposite.
5) Lighting. There is not much middle ground between “Single overhead 100w bulb” and “six table-lamps and some scented candles.” Women complain they feel like they are in an interrogation suite; men that they can't see to eat their tea and it takes them ten minutes to turn everything off at bedtime.
6) Wrapping presents. Women create visions of loveliness with sharp creases, bows and ribbon. Most men produce something flappy that looks as if they spilled hot coffee in their lap halfway through. The others use so much Sellotape that the parcel is entirely waterproof and requires a craft knife to get into it.
