Over the last few years I have become a great fan of honesty. I’m not advocating tactlessness, and certainly not the “I speak as I find” attitude stereotypical of middle-aged Yorkshiremen, who having made their pronouncement then go on to be as disagreeable as possible.
I know many people who would rather set fire to their eyebrows than tell you what they actually want, and it drives me mad. Even when a simple question such as “Where do you want to walk?” requires me to decode the given response to try to work out what they’re really angling for. It would save an awful lot of time and energy if they just gave me the information I had asked for. Because that's all it is: an exchange of information. I am not going to feel personally rejected if I say “Do you fancy pizza tonight?” and get the response “Not really.”
Discussing this with a similarly direct friend last week, we both find ourselves accused of being “selfish” or “difficult” because we actually say what we want. I would argue that we’re actually being considerably less selfish than the mealy-mouthed sorts. Someone asks us a question; we respond honestly; everyone knows where they stand. The only reason to skirt the truth is because you don’t want to risk someone disliking your answer. Ergo, you expect us all to spend hours second-guessing you, trying to work out what would really make you happy. That sounds quite “difficult” to me - and not a little manipulative.
Of course I don't always want to give a truthful answer, but it is invariably better to gird your loins and say it than spend ages hunting round for an excuse. A year ago someone wanted me to apply for a different job. I knew I didn't want it straight away, because it was a lot more work for only a little more money. Instead I fretted for three weeks then made this pathetic flurry of excuses citing “commitment to my current project” and other flimsy stuff. Looking back, why didn’t I just say “You’re not paying enough”? It would have saved the employer a lot of time, and possibly helped them to understand why they were struggling to recruit.
We are raised not to disappoint people, and I would tentatively postulate girls even more so, but come on... Try a bit of honesty with your coffee. You might find it quite liberating.
It's a lesson that's taken me yonks to learn. I still find myself occasionally doing it but by and large everyone gets a straight answer nowadays. Some people have the knack of just being able to say it, but it took me until middle age until I felt confident enough in myself not to worry about other people's reactions.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, but worth it. For instance if invited to a social event that fills you with dread, better to say no straight away than say yes, then spend a fortnight planning to fake a headache on the night. I'm still working on it, but you're right, it gets easier with age.
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