How to drive home from York (estimated journey time - 2hrs 30)

2.15: Leave hotel car park expecting to get home in time for Come Dine With Me.

2.15 and 30 seconds: Notice terrible judder. Flat tyre? Surely not, they're only a month old. Pull over. Flat tyre. Car has no form of spare wheel, merely an out-of-date tyre inflation kit.

2.16: Ring recovery service. We are told a low loader will be summoned to recover the car, and they’ll either send a taxi or a hire car for us to get home.

2.45: Receive cryptic phone call from "Mandy" advising that our motorcycle will be picked up and taken to Harrogate shortly. Appraise "Mandy" of actual situation.

2.45 - 4.15: Wait in car with increasing boredom and frustration. Receive various calls from "Mandy" checking such things as which pubs we are near, exact postcode of location, Grandfather's middle name etc.

4.15: Tow truck arrives. Ring "Mandy" to check when hire car might arrive. “Mandy” has gone off shift and her replacement knows nothing about it. Explain story for twelfth time. Retire to coffee shop. Check train times on mobile just in case.

5.30: With blessed relief drive away in hire car; perfect timing to enjoy all the traffic jams that rush-hour York has to offer.

8.15: House hoves into view. Jovially say to husband "I hope you've got the keys!" Observe him blanch and swear loudly as he remembers they are still in the glovebox.

8.20: Confirm that which you already knew, i.e. that the only neighbour with a spare door key is out for the evening. Beat head against nearest wall. Scribble her a note, in eyeliner, on back of a tourist map of York.

8:40: Retire in some despair to pub, which is thank God still serving food, and drink heavily while engaging neighbours in conversation.

10.15: Key-owning neighbour rings mobile. Meet on road, swap house keys. Greet overjoyed dog. Vow never to leave house again.