How to... Choose a pet

I am one of those hair-covered sorts for whom a house is not a home without a cat or three. I react badly to people who claim they don’t like animals, much as if they had told me they didn't enjoy ”Bullseye” or gin. Pets are brilliant, and here is a guide to choosing the right one for you:

Rabbits: there is something innately sinister about the thought of an adult owning rabbits. That said, baby rabbits are the softest thing in the WORLD. If you must purchase, try getting them from a petting zoo where they’ll be used to being handled and you won’t be guilt-tripped into buying Mr Bunny’s Dream Hutch, a pink diamanté water bottle and a pair of Emma Bridgwater feeding bowls, a snip at £314 the lot.

Reptiles/tarantulas: whilst their skins are undeniably great for taking to school for Show & Tell, I personally prefer a pet for whom the best outcome is something more than ”it doesn't bite me”.

Cats: God's way of telling you your furniture is too nice, cats are wonderfully soft, clean and self-sufficient. Unfortunately they are also contract killers who will deposit endless corpses on your pillow. Furthermore, they are shameless thieves of the glass of water you put by your bed in case you wake up thirsty in the night.

Dogs: if you want to own a dog, first consider your response to the following questions:

1) Do you mind if your clothes, home and car stink for the foreseeable future?

2) Can you watch 14 episodes of Blue Peter back-to-back without weeping? The relentless enthusiasm of its presenters will clue you into the mutt mindset, where almost everything is a wonderful new surprise. Oh wow, food! Oh wow, a shed! Oh wow, a pheasant! Oh wow, faeces!

Horses: I wouldn't know, because despite working hard at school and passing all my piano exams, my little sister was the one deemed worthy of a pony. Not that I’m bitter or anything.