Teachers mourn the halcyon days when a child's school report consisted of little more than "He speaks in a low tone" (travel writer Bill Bryson) or "Tries hard despite his obvious limitations" (my husband, PE, 1983). Nowadays we're forced to produce two closely-typed sides of A4 on each of the little darlings, covering everything from their personal development to exactly how they felt about last Autumn's geography topic on Rocks & Soils. Cut and paste comes in handy here: worth remembering if your daughter Sasha is suddenly referred to as Thomas.
Teachers are only human: for every rosy-cheeked poppet whose memory leaves a smile on your face, a skip in your step and a song in your heart, there's one you're only too happy to wave goodbye as they go off to Big School. Nonetheless, teachers are bound by societal expectations to be relentlessly positive, even about kids who have the intellectual capabilities of kindling, the charisma of Tupperware or the personal hygiene of a stoat (or in one memorable case, all three).
Having carried out extensive research (i.e. gossiping in the staff room) I hereby present the definitive list of school report euphemisms.
“Sara gets on with her work without fuss” - which one is she again?
"Gideon is popular among his peers" - lucky; the adults can't stand him.
"Timmy is a thoughtful, sensitive child" - shame he cries every time someone looks at him.
"Rachel needs frequent reminders to stay on task" -doesn't do a stroke of work unless someone's standing over her, glaring.
"Ryan can struggle to assimilate new concepts" - happy to sit there licking Pritt-stick.
"Rhys initially took time to settle in” - made life an utter misery until Christmas.
"Rosie can be distracted and distracting of others" - pain in the neck, never shuts up.
Reports are a necessary evil, but don't get too het up about them. After all, “A constant trouble... Always in some scrape or another” read the missive to two (presumably despairing) parents in 1884.
Their son's name? Winston Churchill.
I am delighted that you are back in the warm embrace of blogland. I have missed your dry, wry comments on everything. I really waws pleased to see a url crop up in my comments box.
ReplyDeleteSo... you're leaving work! About time you had a spell as a woman of leisure. No more reports.