How (not) to sell a car

I’ve just changed my car, a process that was marginally less enjoyable than donating blood. If you thought Arthur Daly-esque used car salesmen had died out in the 80s, you’re wrong! I endured some truly terrible test drives, and I have to say the main dealers were just as bad as the one-man-bands. Here’s how (not) to sell a car.

• Greet your client with a diatribe about how it’s “sold as seen, no warranty, the price is X, £500 more if you want to part-ex and you won’t find one cheaper.” Act reluctant to let them have a test drive, then complain throughout that business is poor. Insist on popping the bonnet. (“Yes – that’s definitely an engine.”)
• Even though you can get a mini-valet done for £10 in any town, don’t bother cleaning the cars out beforehand. Buyers love the smell of other people’s dogs, and the sight of Cheesy Wotsits ground into the back seats. If they complain, tell them it’s better to see a car warts’n’all. This will entirely negate their anger at having driven 60 miles to have a look at a midden. Cleaning a car before a buyer comes to look at it – what next? Making the bed before someone views your house? Crazy talk!
• Remember to blame the potential purchaser for any mechanical defects, especially if she’s a woman. Dodgy gearbox? “Well, you’re just not used to it yet, dear.” Engine over-revving? “I think it’s your clutch control. Are you taking your foot off the accelerator when you change gear?” (I have been driving for 19 years. I know how to change gear, you pillock.)
• Ignore anything your client tells you about the sort of roads where they live. Five miles around Fosse Park is a perfect test-drive for someone who has clearly stated they mostly drive on single-track country lanes and only go into town once a month.

Thank heavens that’s over for another few years.

NB: credit to TMS Volvo in Coventry and availablecar.com, who were not at all like this.