Obviously I don't need to make any New Year's resolutions because I am already perfect, but I guess some of you lesser mortals might, so here goes.
Don’t be too ambitious. New Year's Day is a singularly poor day to instigate lifestyle changes. Let's be honest, any normal person wakes up on January 1st with a raging hangover. Metallica will be playing a one-off gig in your skull while the man from Carpetright lays a new Axminster on your tongue and Michael Flatley performs Riverdance in your digestive system. The last thing you’ll want to do is go for a 3 mile jog followed by 50 chin-ups. Best, then, to ensure your list includes some easily-achieved resolutions. For example, you could resolve not to peel parsnips between the hours of 2am and 5am.
Most resolutions are about fitting in with society’s expectations. I'm sure you don't need reminding that these are wholly unrealistic. You can't combine Nigella’s cleavage, Carol Vorderman’s derrière and Jessica Ennis’s stomach. No-one does. Much healthier (mentally, anyway) to think “I am what I am” and go through the festive Radio Times drawing moustaches and devil horns on anyone more attractive than you. Elasticised waists were invented for a jolly good reason, and I would remind you that while people who exercise live longer, that extra time is spent exercising.
Life is short: why not make some resolutions you’ll actually enjoy keeping? One habit I genuinely recommend: I never pick up the home phone unless I know who’s calling. A £10 answerphone is all you need. Cold-callers, deranged relatives and garrulous acquaintances can be instantly avoided, and if that doesn't make for a better 2013 I don't know what will. I also decided last year that I would have nothing whatsoever to do with lawn maintenance - mowing, strimming, weeding or wrestling clippings into the green bin. (Caution: this one needs an understanding spouse, or paid gardener.)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. Now, would someone pass me that Radio Times?
I have an automated answerphone but funnily enough the people who pester me most frequently never leave messages.
ReplyDeleteThe only resolution I have at the moment (there'll be more) is to do everything in my power to keep my new girlfriend seeming as new and girfriendy (rather than established and sisterly).