Alumni

Today a copy of the Leicester University Graduates' Review, a publication I have never requested but which bizarrely still reaches me in my fifth address and second surname since graduating 13 years ago, has plopped onto my doormat.

Like a tongue seeking out the tooth that aches, I like to irritate myself by reading the Alumni on Target Section, where you can make discoveries about past students and kick yourself as you realise the spotty geek you turned down at a house party in 1996 is now a dotcom millionaire, or that the infuriating girl in your Politics tutorials has single-handedly brought down a discredited junta in South America.

Were I ever to feature in this illustrious publication, my profile would read as follows:

Suzy Southwold (BA Hons 1999) only went to university because she couldn't think of anything else to do. She chose Leicester for its cheap rents and excellent road links with Suffolk. She once attended a graduate careers fair but was appalled by all the dead-eyed 22 year olds in polyester suits and went and sat under a tree in Victoria Park instead.

Through temping Suzy got a job in the NHS that barely required GCSEs, much less the 2:1 she came out with, and settled down to administrative drudgery before upping sticks to live in Canada for a year. Upon her return she rashly decided to become a primary school teacher which she didn't much like either. She is currently sponging off her husband considering where her career will take her next while regularly playing the National Lottery in the fervent hope that the answer is "nowhere".