Surprise!

The world is divided into two sorts of people; those who would love it if someone threw them a surprise birthday party, and those who shudder at the very thought. (My husband spent the first half hour of his 40th birthday dinner at Boboli terrified that 20 of his nearest and dearest were going to leap out from behind a pillar.)

Surprises in general are mixed blessing. Some are great – Toddler Niece’s sudden fierce kisses, or cries of “I luff you!” spring to mind – but most are not. For instance, I always forget just how painful a wasp sting is. Ditto treading on Lego. For sheer bringing-you-up-shortness, nothing beats getting your dressing gown sleeve caught on a door handle when you’re carrying a cup of tea.

One of the downsides of country cats is the breadth of live fauna they bring in. My parents have a pond; to date Dad has found a toad in his driving moccasins and Mum a decomposed goldfish under her bed. Up here, a field mouse in the toe of my husband’s wellington was a winner (to be fair, I think the mouse was more startled than he.) Only last night I was quietly enjoying “The Plantagenets” when the cat entered Stage Left with a live finch in his mouth. (I’m pleased to say it was rescued, unharmed, by said husband – he’s a patient man considering he never wanted the cat!) 

The story I’m about to tell you continues the theme and makes my buttock clench with horror. My grandparents lived most of their lives on an RSPB reserve in Suffolk. Suffolk, being dry and sandy, is absolutely chock-a-block with snakes. (It was a great place to grow up given my crippling phobia of the damn things.) Anyway, Gran was answering the call of Nature in her downstairs loo when her cat leapt in through the open window carrying a live, 2-foot adder in its mouth and proceeded to wrangle it like one of those demented preachers from the Bible Belt in America. 

That particular cat and indeed that particular Gran are sadly long gone, but I’ve never used a downstairs loo without closing the window since.

To view a surprised panda, click here: http://youtu.be/EAcdvmnZ_GM

Battle of the sexes

With a reminder that most clichés have a grain of truth in them, here's a rundown of half-a-dozen chief differences between men and women.

1) The “Boy Look”. A phenomenon described by both my sister and myself, the Boy Look is when a man opens a fridge, cupboard or wardrobe door, looks for approximately 0.5 seconds then shouts “I can’t find the...!”. The woman, arriving huffing from the other room, will locate said item almost immediately. This also applies to finding apps on smartphones, pets who are imminently due at the vet, and remote controls.

2) Bedtime. Men clean their teeth and jump between the sheets. Women feel obliged to perform arcane and lengthy skincare rituals involving between 4 and 10 unguents, finally arriving in bed 15 minutes later as slippery as a baby seal. Warning, ladies: Vaseline’d feet and tiled floors do not mix. Plan ahead.

3) Division of labour. In six years of living here, I have never seen inside the loft. See also: lawn-mowing, the location and removal of mice, giving tablets to cats and collecting takeaways. For his part, my husband could be forgiven for thinking we have a self-cleaning woodburner, a self-replenishing wine rack and a Magical Laundry Fairy.

4) Films. Men watch fight scenes or big explosions with intense concentration and slightly lolling mouths, then try to initiate conversation during the tender romantic exchanges. Women the exact opposite.

5) Lighting. There is not much middle ground between “Single overhead 100w bulb” and “six table-lamps and some scented candles.” Women complain they feel like they are in an interrogation suite; men that they can't see to eat their tea and it takes them ten minutes to turn everything off at bedtime.

6) Wrapping presents. Women create visions of loveliness with sharp creases, bows and ribbon. Most men produce something flappy that looks as if they spilled hot coffee in their lap halfway through. The others use so much Sellotape that the parcel is entirely waterproof and requires a craft knife to get into it.

Your stars for 2015

Aries ♈️ The headstrong sign of the Zodiac, this summer you’ll be tempted to argue with Customs officials who challenge you over liquids in your hand luggage. For heaven's sake, don't. 

Taurus ♉️ In April, Venus entering Sagittarius suggests you will form an attachment to an amiable bullock or other large domesticated animal. Treat him kindly.

Gemini ♊️ Mars trines Jupiter this September, triggering a glut of autumn fruit. Make sure you have sufficient freezer space and bags ready or it’ll all go to waste.

Cancer ♋️ You are in for a rubbish Valentine’s if Saturn’s opposition to Uranus is anything to go by. Cancel the restaurant now and prepare to spend the evening weeping on the sofa in stained pyjamas, mainlining Galaxy chocolate.

Leo ♌️ You're the Zodiac’s natural show-off, but Mercury urges caution when selecting karaoke tracks on holiday this summer. Nobody wants to see a drunken 57 year old office supplies salesman performing “Like a Virgin”.

Virgo ♍️ Jupiter enters Leo in early spring. For fastidious Virgoans, it'll be time to clear out that untidy paperclip dispenser that's been bothering you for months!

Libra ♎️ A difficult square between Mars and Pluto points to boundary disputes between you and a neighbour. It may be easier to clip the leylandii now rather than wait for the injunction.

Scorpio ♏️ Your reputation as the dangerous sign of the zodiac will be borne out in August when you form a motorcycle gang (60cc and under). Speeds in excess of 36mph will be attained as you and your mate Ken whiz round the Langtons with a devil-may-care attitude. Watch out for the filth!

Sagittarius ♐️ Neptune conjuncts Mercury in November, meaning there is a very real danger you could accidentally expose yourself to the binmen. Tie your robe tightly.

Capricorn ♑️ Absolutely nothing of interest will happen to you in 2015.

Aquarius ♒️ Fittingly for the “water-bearer” of the Zodiac, plumbing problems triggered by Saturn's opposition to Mars suggest you will spend most of May hauling buckets of water into your house from a standpipe.

Pisces ♓️ In September you will be upset to be mistaken for  Ken Dodd. Be gracious and give them an autograph anyway.

Friday

Presenting my brand new nephew, Benedict, born 8lb 13oz on 9th January 2015. Welcome to the world, baby boy! Here we are when he was 11 hours old:

Merry Christmas

Yes, we're spending Christmas at my parents' with six adults, two dogs of varying degrees of continence, a 2 year old ninja, and my sister due her second baby in 11 days - why do you ask? 

Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy New Year. 

Christmas List

At Christmas the papers seem to be full of lists of all kinds. I don't pretend to know what films you should watch or which islands you should visit, but I do humbly offer 12 tips for a happier 2015.

1) A tip for the antisocial: you’re not as important to other people’s plans as you think you are. You really won't ruin their Christmas party/ hen night /evening wedding reception 200 miles away if you don't go, so why put yourself through it? There are enough things we don't want to do but must (e.g. getting up for work, dental visits). Social events are not obligatory!  Be upfront, though. Faking a headache at the eleventh hour is appalling.

2) Talking of dental visits - however you’ve been cleaning your teeth, it won't be right.

3) A squirt of lime juice at the end improves almost any spicy dish.

4) Unless you have the gardening skills of Alan Titchmarsh, it really isn't worth trying to grow your own food.

5) Give people the benefit of the doubt. They’e probably done the same for you already.

6) Try the bread from East Langton garden centre. Thank me later.

7) Open your mail over the recycling bin.

8) Always have a pound coin in your pocket on a walk, in case someone’s selling free-range eggs.

9) Put the phone down on cold callers. There’s no need to shout at them; equally there’s no need to let them waste your time.

10) Don't watch the shopping channels within reach of your credit card. The presenters have serious sales technique. My husband went to collect a takeaway and by the time he got home I'd ordered a £200 carpet cleaner. (Although I have to admit the living room has never looked fresher.)

11) Don't assume everyone wants to share food just because you’re having Chinese or Indian. I’m totally with Smithy from Gavin & Stacey on this one. http://tinyurl.com/novtv4o 

12) There are very few bad moods not improved by a sandwich, a walk or a hot bath. In extreme cases watch repeats of Bullseye.

An outraged Mollie extends her festive greetings.

It is better to give than receive... Especially if you receive a box of shop soiled Milk Tray

On 4th November a neighbour told me “I'm feeling very smug, because I've just bought my last Christmas present.” Oh, to be in that situation!

My gran - one of eight children of a Suffolk farm labourer during the Depression - used to tell a heartbreaking story about receiving an ugly little second-hand doll for Christmas, her only gift, which gave her the heebie-jeebies so badly that she flung it in the coal shed. 85 years on, the difficulty lies in finding something that people A) want and B) haven’t already bought themselves.

Some magazines suggest buying people more luxurious versions of things you know they like, but this can backfire! I found six bars of posh soap, as zesty and fragrant as an Italian citrus grove, plus three unopened bottles of single malt scotch at Mum and Dad’s. They’re just more comfortable with Lux and Bells, and that’s fine. Actually, now I think about it, my own wine rack features a dusty bottle of Amarone I gave my husband five years ago... “Too good to drink”!

Office workers will be familiar with the dastardly concept of the “Secret Santa”. Invariably the name you draw out of the Jiffy bag will be someone you barely know, yet you feel  obliged to find a £10 gift that perfectly encapsulates their personality, if any. I always seem to receive chocolate, a foodstuff about which I am ambivalent at best. My husband has collected a selection of “comedy” mugs and a pink striped tie that wouldn’t look out of place on Ronnie Corbett. Maybe our colleagues just hate us?

15 years ago “experiences” were in vogue.  Thank goodness Redletter Days went bankrupt! There’s a reason most of us haven't been for tea at the Ritz or hang-gliding: because the thought fills us with horror. Even worse is “gift sets”. Nobody really wants two jars of chutney and a flimsy cheese knife presented in a raffia basket for £16.99, do they?

This Christmas I would like two alpacas and a field to keep them in. Do you think they'll fit down the chimney?

                        An unacceptable gift.