Resolutions update, 13 weeks in

I will stop using “I’m only taking the dog for a walk” as an excuse to go out looking like Worzel Gummidge’s scruffier cousin.

Erm, I kept it up for two weeks them reverted to my Compo-like ways. Best not mentioned. Success: 1/10

I will not get hopelessly drunk in the kitchen as a Pavlovian reaction to hearing “Sometime Around Midnight” by Airborne Toxic Event.

Achieved on two occasions! Success: 10/10

I will come up with a semi-convincing answer to the question “So, what have you been doing with yourself all day?”

Realised there's absolutely no point doing this, because however comprehensive a list is supplied the husband interrogator will scan it with a slight sneer that suggests they could have done it in half the time AND gone for a 10 mile jog, even if you know they haven't operated an iron since 2007. Success: 5/10

I will NEVER again use Cambridge park-and-ride.

Achieved. By not having gone to Cambridge. 10/10.

I will not buy any more body lotion until my current stockpile of nine unopened tubs is used up.

Achieved, but a struggle. Superfluous day cream was bought instead. Success: 8/10.

I will not go through my parents’ fridge, sighing heavily as I discard bottles of ketchup that expired in 2008 and miscellaneous furry cheeses. In fact, I will stop commenting on other people’s hygiene full stop, as it is surely only a matter of time before somebody punches me on the nose.

Achieved, by the hand of fate. Poor old Mum broke her ankle and by the time I went to visit, my aunt had cleared out the fridge. It was quite a shock to find it full of edible food.

I also maintained a fixed smile when someone was banging on about there being no need to use washing powder because some weird hippy eco-pellets that "aerate the water" do the job just as well. (These have been proven by Which? Magazine to be no better than nothing. But my smile did not slip.)

Success: 9/10. One point deducted for judging her inside.

How to... Enjoy horoscopes

Obviously nobody with more intelligence than a daffodil actually "believes" in horoscopes, but a lot of otherwise rational people seem to read theirs anyway. Like mediums, the astrologer's only secret is to generate stuff that is so open-ended that it could apply to anyone. (If Shelley Von Strunckle predicts that I will experience changes that are unsettling at first, but ultimately beneficial, one more time, I will run naked down the A6.)

Here are your stars for this week - let's face it, they have just as much chance of coming true as any others.

Aries: on Thursday you will be startled by a pheasant. Lucky outfit: pyjamas.

Taurus: a tall dark stranger will come to read your electricity meter. Don't leave your handbag in sight when you make him a cup of tea. Lucky musical: Oklahoma.

Gemini: have you checked your tyre pressures lately? You really should, you know. Lucky bath salts: lavender.

Cancer: on Friday you will cook a disappointing breakfast, but Saturday's will be much nicer. Lucky country: Germany.

Leo: all eyes will be on you, Leo, when you accidentally get toilet paper stuck to your foot in a public toilet. Lucky Revel: coffee flavour.

Virgo: you've been overdoing it. Try to relax a bit more. Have you considered taking up macramé? Lucky utensil: fish slice.

Libra: usually the “beautiful” sign of the zodiac, you will suffer an unsightly facial blemish midweek. Try not to pick at it. Lucky tree: sycamore.

Scorpio: a slipper-related accident is waiting to literally trip you up. Keep two 9s dialled on your mobile, just in case. Lucky TV gameshow: Pointless.

Sagittarius: you will have a lovely surprise when you change your duvet cover. Lucky scratch card: Scrabble.

Capricorn: check your change in Holland and Barrett. An otherwise uneventful week. Lucky supplement: Glucosamine.

Aquarius: you will get the urge to rearrange your living room furniture. Get your son round to help in case you trigger an attack of lumbago. Lucky fruit: pear.

Pisces: make sure you chew your food thoroughly to avoid mishaps on Wednesday. Lucky Monopoly token: ship.